You Don't Spank?

"You don't spank? How do you teach your child not do to something?"
"My child needs to be spanked, nothing else works!"
"You just have good kids who don't need spankings."

I've heard several versions of the above sentences, whether in comments online or said directly to me. No child needs to be spanked. Our children who are so vulnerable and who look to us as their protector and guide, just as we look to the Father. Psalm 18:2

   The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
    my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
    my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

 God is our rock, our fortress and our refuge! How terrifying if He were to physically punish us for each and every sin we commit every day, how frightened we would be. How much more so for our children, who are so vulnerable. Our children look to us as the example of Jesus Christ. Galatians 2:21 states 

I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness comes 

through the Law, then Christ died needlessly.

What a horrifying thought, to think that we are negating Christ's sacrifice on the cross. And for what purpose? To teach our children a lesson? As a child I was spanked, it was done within the confines of  a loving Christian home. I would even say that I turned out great! I have an amazing husband and two beautiful children. But I realized something about myself just a few weeks ago, I have a problem accepting the fact that by grace I am saved. I have trouble with knowing that every sin I commit doesn't need to be punished and brought to rights. Confession and repentance are called for, but punishment for every sin? Never, for Christ's work on the cross has washed the sin away. If I raise my children under the law of punishment, then that is what they will learn. Yet if I raise my children under grace, how much more so will they realize the grace of God! I never want my children to struggle with or question the wondrous grace that we have been freely given.

Imagine you wish to go buy some new clothes, but you don't have enough money. So you sneak into your spouse's wallet and take some to go on a spending spree. Wrong? Absolutely! But imagine if when your spouse found out, he/she took you into a room, pulled down your pants, and spanked you until you cried. Sound humiliating? I would be utterly humiliated, as well as my trust in my spouse would be broken. I would be fearful of doing wrong, not because of my great love for my spouse, but because he had instilled fear in me. Fear of pain for wrongdoing. I would be not sinning for the wrong reason. In the same way, I do not want my children to obey me for fear of being punished, or for fear of pain I might inflict. I want them to obey from the heart, for the Lord! How can I teach them to obey from their heart, if right from the beginning I am instilling in them a sense of fear to not do wrong? 

The Spencer Spanking Plan is actually where we get modern day "rules" for spanking. These include:

1. Care must be taken to not bruise the flesh

2. A spanking must never be administered in anger

3. The punishment should be inflicted on bare skin

4. The spanking should be administered in a private room

Do those sounds familiar? They are the same basic rules that are outlined by James Dobson in how to properly spank. Yet The Spencer Spanking Plan was originally written on how to properly spank your spouse! I cannot imagine with what trepidation I would go through my day knowing my husband would be administering physical pain for each wrongdoing I commit. Confession and repentance are key, as well as any natural consequences that might follow. I will not inflict consequences on my child for wrongdoing, but I will certainly let them suffer whatever natural consequences their decisions bring on (within the confines of their safety and well being).

So what do we do instead? Our oldest is only 2, and our youngest is but 4 months, and I am still brand new to the concept of not spanking. I was raised with spanking, and I always thought I would spank my own children. I do a lot of guidance and modeling for my two year old. This takes a lot of patience, but I know that without teaching her obedience through pain, the pay off when she is older will be great. My modeling for her might go something like this: she is playing with toys on the ground, but it is almost nap time. I give her a 5-10 minute warning that it is almost time to put our toys away. Then I tell her "it's time to put your toys away", if she keeps on playing I will say "do you need help putting your toys away?", and if she continues to play, I will physically get up and get her hands moving to put those toys away. The majority of the time, I don't get past the "do you need help" phrase before she is working away. But what if she throws a temper tantrum, as two year olds often do. Instead of a time-out, I institute a time-in. I hold her in my arms until she is calm, then I briefly tell her a different way to show her frustration. (Brief is key, her attention span isn't very long:-) For if I were to spank her for throwing a tantrum, that would do nothing but teach her to hold in her emotions. We need to teach them how to appropriately express themselves, not just give them a swat and tell them to be quiet. That would teach them nothing! 

We love our children and want to do what's best for them, so look to the best example you can. Jesus! He is the author and perfecter of our faith, He will gladly guide us as we seek the best way to raise the precious individuals that have been entrusted to our care. 

Romans 3:20-24 For by works of the law no human being will

 be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge 

of sin. But now the righteousness of God has been manifested 

apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear 

witness to it — the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ 

for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned 

and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, 

through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

 

The Magnificent Lie

Galatians 2:21 "...for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly.”

How we discipline our children is a very personal choice indeed, it can make a friendly conversation turn defensive and angry. Please know this is not being written to make you angry, but to make you think. Only consider the words being said, and see if they have merit. We live in a world where spanking is a parent's choice, some parents spank and others don't. The book of Proverbs is what many Christian authors, such as Dobson and Tripp, quote as being the Biblical foundation for spanking. Let's look at the Old and New Testament alike as we consider what it teaches. 

Thousands of years ago God gave his people, the Israelites, laws in which to live by. The book of Leviticus and Deuteronomy are full of laws that the Israelites had to follow  in order to be holy. They were not under grace in the Old Testament, and those laws prove it! Yet, as I search all those laws, I have yet to find one that says a parent needs to spank or strike their child. How did the Israelites discipline their children for those hundreds of years before Solomon wrote those words in the book of Proverbs? There is a verse relating to parents and discipline, it is found in Deuteronomy 21:18-21. The verse says a rebellious son needs to be stoned to death, on my! 

Let us look at those 5 verses found in Proverbs. Samuel Martin in his book "Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me" (the book is available for free in PDF form) states that there are nine different words for children, depending on their stage of life. The words range in meaning, they include ‘yeled’ which means newly born and ‘olel’ which means a child who is weaned, but is still nursing from his mother. There are words for the stage of life when they are young (4-6 years old), and for preadolescence. The word used in the verses in Proverbs is ‘na’ar,’ which would be the teenage, or young adulthood, stage of life. The word was used of Joseph in Genesis 37:2, and he was 17 years old at the time! In other words, if we take the verses in Proverbs literally, we would  only be striking young men (not women) in their teenage or young adult stage of life, young children were never mentioned in those verses. James Dobson states on his website that spanking should begin at the age of a year and a half, and end when the child is ten to twelve years old. According to the verses in Proverbs, twelve years old is right when spanking should begin!

If the verses in Proverbs are not talking about the discipline of young children, then where should we look for a model? Certainly not to the laws in the Old Testament, for the law has been abolished. So let's turn to the New Testament to see where our example should be. Nowhere in the New Testament will you find a verse that instructs you to spank your child. If not spank, then what should we do? I suggest we look to the greatest example we can find. Jesus. How did Jesus teach his disciples? Through verbal instruction and how he lived his life. Jesus states in Luke 6:37 “Do not judge and you will not be judged.” How then can we judge our own children? For that is what spanking does, it is judging the child for the sin they have done. Once the spanking has been administered their sin has been paid for, and they are free to go. Or some might argue that the spanking is to teach a lesson so they will not do the sin again. Yet what does Paul say in Galatians 2:21 "...for if righteousness comes through the Law, then Christ died needlessly.” How can we hold our children up to the law, and expect to teach them grace? Christ did not die needlessly, he died for those very sins your child is getting a spanking for. You do not need to administer pain in order to teach a lesson. Look to Jesus as he taught his own disciples, or even the large crowds. Did he ever use physical pain, or fear to get his point across. No, for our Savior is full of love and compassion. How can we not show the same to our children? Jesus also states in Luke 6:36 “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” Show mercy to the precious individuals with which you have been blessed.

 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." We are teaching our children through fear of pain, fear of punishment, and fear of being spanked. But remember, "perfect love casts our fear". Our children should be no more afraid of us then a butterfly! Model grace and mercy as Christ did. There needs to be no administration of pain to get a point across. Bringing up your children with grace and mercy will be harder, and it might require more patience. A spanking gets the job done fast, and it appears to work. But it is working through a child's fear of pain and punishment. It isn't working on their hearts, and it is not showing the very grace that God the Father has bestowed on us.

So I contend that spanking is a lie. It is a lie expounded on from pulpits and taught in most Christian books on discipline. My point is not to offend, but to have you consider these words. There need not be fear and pain involved in discipline, only love and patient correcting. Just look to Jesus to find your example.